Struggling

Arrgh! I don't know what is wrong with me lately. My resolve seems to have slipped dramatically and I really need to get my act together and get back on the straight and narrow.

Well it feels like I'm failing big time anyway. If I'm realistic with myself it hasn't been that bad. I was under my calories from Monday-Friday and Saturday I was only over by about 100 calories. I exercised 5 days and the only reason I didn't do 6 was because I had a migraine on Thursday. Looking at these facts it doesn't seem like there's much of a problem. But the problem is in my behaviour on Sunday (and a bit today) and the frame of mind that lead to it.

My birthday was supposed to be a once off deal. Eat whatever I want for one weekend and then get back to the healthy eating. But it's like those two days reignited all the bad habits I've been trying so hard to fight for the past 8 months.

I also don't think I realised how stressed and emotional I've been feeling lately. I'm really good at shutting things out when I have assignments/exams etc to do. I procrastinate so much that I end up having to put all my focus and energy into this one thing to get it done on time. There's been a lot going on lately on top of exams and now the exams are over and my mind is free to focus on whatever it wants, I now have to deal with the things I was blocking out. It's kind of similar to how I often get sick right after exams, but for my mind instead of my body.

I should have realised that something wasn't right. Just around exams I started biting my nails again after finally breaking the habit 5 years ago. It's not hard to see the link between stress, nail biting and binge eating. I think that other parts of my life have just been going so well lately that I wasn't realising how much the negative things were getting to me.

So I was in this fragile state of mind and the temptation just happened to be there. My step dad brought home cupcakes on Saturday. What was he thinking? No consideration for people who are trying to lose weight! Then on Sunday my boyfriend decides that we should take a drive to the mountains... and go to not one, but two lolly shops! I mentioned the other week what being surrounded by lollies does to me. Kid in a candy store anyone? And because these were specialty lolly shops, there were so many things I had never tried before (and therefore had to try). So I spent about $30 on lollies and could have spent a lot more! Then I spent Sunday afternoon and night bingeing on lollies and chocolate. I felt so sick and disgusting when I went to bed. Then I had to eat the rest today because I just needed it to be gone- not in the house anymore. Luckily there wasn't that much left.

It's almost like I'm a drug addict when it comes to sugar. I know sugar addiction and anti-sugar diets are all the rage at the moment, but I'm not totally convinced by that idea. I do know I've been using these kinds of food to deal with my emotions ever since I was a kid though, and that is a hard habit to break.

So there is no more stuff in the house and I'm not going to buy anything. I'm going to have to have a talk with other members of the family and tell them not to bring it into the house either, particularly while I'm feeling like this. Until now my willpower has actually been really good.

Anyhow, in regards to the 12WBT, I had my first gain at weigh-in last week. I kind of figured it would happen after the weekend I'd had, so I was prepared. A 400g gain is not too bad in light of a 15kg loss anyway! And I had lost that 400g plus some by Friday anyway. But after Sunday, I'm not sure what's going to happen this week. If I have another gain I will definitely be disappointed in myself. I had no excuses this week. It is also a mini-milestone week which means measurements need to be taken again. Really not the week I wanted to be off the rails.

I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust off the crumbs and make the remaining 5 weeks really count!

Until next time,

A slightly disheartened yet optimistic- Katie